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        Hello again, so today's topic is something that has basically been eating away at me for about a year and a half now. It's something I don't think on a daily basis anymore, but it's a recurring thought because of the lack of closure that I received from the experience. Today's subject isn't such a "fire-starter" like my previous post about politics, today I'm going to share an experience with you about the destruction of friendship I had with someone since I was quite young. This particular experience is as I said something that lacked closure and has generally left a bad taste in my mouth figuratively speaking, it is something that has caused me deep emotional conflict, anger, hatred, regret, and of course sorrow. Despite the fact that there was almost no way for me to change the outcome of what would happen in retrospect, I can't help but feel I could have tried different methods to resolve the problem without causing such social and emotional conflict. I guess I should get right to the story, it is quite a long one so grab some popcorn. The friend which I'm referring to will not be named due to obvious reasons of anonymity and such, however I will refer to him by his first initial "S" to avoid confusion throughout the process of writing this.



        A quick background info, S and I had been friends since around the 5th grade, he was a kid who lived in the neighborhood but went to a private Christian school partially due to the community being extremely conservative and the fact that his mother, who was single, was a fairly fundamental Christian woman. Because of this, amongst other things such as his personality in general, he was picked on by kids our age when we were younger. I was in the same vote so to speak but with a different group of kids since I went to public school, but I related to his interests and his disdain for those who would cause us harm, so we became friends very quickly. Over the years we spent lots of time playing video games at his house and my house with other friends, usually mine because he didn't have too many. Jumping all the way up to around 2010, the year I graduated high school, he's already in college because he's 2 years older than I am yet he really doesn't have a lot of friends, so I'm mostly still hanging out with him on the weekends while I go out with my other friends on the weekdays. After meeting some friends at BC, he decides to introduce them to me, which sets of a chain reaction of meeting like-minded individuals thus creating a new circle of friends which consisted mainly of myself, S, a guy named Hans and another guy named Robert, there were/are still others but they are not a part of this story. After forming this group, we would frequently gather on the weekends to play games such as Super Smash Bros., engulf pizzas, chug sodas, and talk about the most ridiculous and insane topics we could think of. That was our weekly routine, it never really changed much, however that doesn't mean that "we" changed, and by we I mean our personalities. As I've grown, I've seem to become a bit more mature and responsible for myself in most aspects of my life, while S was still stuck in the fantasy world of the youthful-minded. Hans was closer to the mentality of S while Robert was more closer to my own, so we had a sort of "split" psychosocial spectrum, but that doesn't mean we didn't act like complete idiots and have fun. However it seemed that he did not pick up that around his age was when he should be looking to clean himself up, obtain more responsibility for himself so he can support himself and those he cares about like myself. This isn't where the problems began, but it is certainly a moment of revelation that something was seriously wrong with my friend, his personality and lifestyle choices.



        Staying around 2010, this is where I start to observe a negative change in behavior from my friend. At the time I thought nothing of it, so all of these observations are in retrospect prior to a particular event which will be discussed later. From this point on, I noticed a slowly but surely increase in aggressive behavior, alpha-male complex, an extremely bloated ego which would deflate rather quickly given by most forms of egotistical opposition or the introduction of anyone new he had not met before. This behavior would affect my daily life, our friend Hans' and Robert's at times as well. His aggressiveness would not only belittle Hans regardless whether we were in public or private, it would become not only annoying but almost worry-some at times because his character reflected upon us as well given the fact that we were with him in public, and this was not only embarrassing at times but really just generally disrespectful to those around us. He wasn't directly disrespectful to those around us in public, but his demeanor and his attitude would often have some sort of contextual carry-over to the people around us in some indirect manner. It's kind of hard to explain considering it's been a while since I've actually been around him so I can't give a much better explanation than that, so bear with me. His alpha-male complex was probably one of the most unbearable things I could endure whilst being friends with this man, because he ALWAYS had to win, if he didn't win at Super Smash Bros almost every round he would get super pissed and pick characters we ruled as off-limits, be a cheap asshole and generally have poor sportsmanship or be a sore loser over any single loss. Granted, we all had the same frustration but only if we would just constantly lose at whatever we were playing, which is an understandable and acceptable attitude to have when you're trying to accomplish a goal, however to S beating everyone all the time was more than just a goal, it was a ego reinforcement tool which he used to make himself feel better about himself, a sort of sense of self-accomplishment and self-validation if you will. In retrospect, it's actually quite sad, but at the time it was still insanely frustrating and unnerving to deal with because he basically took the fun out of the room for many of the nights we would all hang out together. I think my explanation about his complex doesn't merit an explanation for why he has such a bloated ego, however why it's so easy to dissipate is actually quite intriguing. He grew up without a father in his life, so his mother has had to assume the role of both mother and father in his household. At this point, this is all pure speculation and theoretical understanding as to why he acts the way he acts, but I believe that this whole sort of self-validation through this alpha-male complex is a form of re-masculating himself because he may feel that his mother has and still emasculates him at home, and perhaps that or something worse has actually happened in his home, I don't know this, but what I get from his behaviors is precisely what I just stated.



        Moving on, after observing this for quite some time up until late 2012 to early 2013, my friends and I got fed up with his attitude and his ego, we started to chat about it online and eventually all came to the same consensus. However, we had no way of dealing with it really other than to not hang out with him, which probably would have ultimately been the wiser decision in the long run, but we didn't want to just abandon our friend so we decided to put up with him for a while longer. A little while before deciding this, a particular event that was suggested by myself which was meant to help S would end up triggering the events that led up to our current situation to this day. At the time, S had quit our local community college for numerous reasons, all which were valid because it's a shitty school that is riddled with corruption and politics(just like our government! =P) so I had no reason to object to such an idea. However, the school which he decided to study at just left me dreading: Devry University, the world's most useless paper-mill school(I'm referring to the fact that you literally just show up for class and they print you a piece of paper saying you completed it without learning anything whatsoever). He wanted to study game design and art just like myself, however he was going there to study graphic design to get a hold on working digitally like myself, we didn't have the luxury of having a decent digital art community back home because it's mostly an agriculture and oil gold-mine. At this time, I was going to our community college because I was smart enough to do everything for myself there, get all of my finances from federal grant money and not have to deal with anyone but the professors there, so I recommended that he quit Devry and go back to our community college so that he could actually learn how to do some half-decent work there. I even offered to help him pick out his classes, work with him on projects since I knew what the professors would be looking for, etc. etc. So he agreed and dropped Devry, however that's literally all he did, he just dropped out of school and didn't bother applying to the other school. After learning about this, it really pissed me off because I was trying to help him get on track and he just decides to quit and stay at home all day. That's not where the problems end though, that's only the beginning! He stayed at home for months, all he would do is sit around and play on one of his many game consoles he owned or played Aion, a game which we both played at the time. And after these months of just sitting at home, apparently he had been telling his mother that he was in fact going to school, feeding her lies and bypassing any suspicion with quick-witted remarks or generally playing stupid. At one point, she had asked me straight to my face whether or not he was actually going to school, I lied to her and said yes and I have no idea why I did, perhaps I just didn't want my friend to be kicked to the curb. Whatever the case, it was a decision I sorely regret, because from then on he expected me to cover for him whenever his mom would ask him these questions. As time passed, I began to question his lifestyle choices, particularly how he was able to afford such things as going to a gun range frequently and even bring myself, Hans and Robert along with him and have us all shoot an entire box of ammo for each person. We didn't think about it too much in the past because it was just something fun for us to go do to let off some steam, however when things started to get seriously bad between all of us and S, we eventually started pondering to ourselves how we could afford this, video games, eating out constantly, etc. So one day I'm hanging out with him, and out of the blue he gets all excited over some email he got. I questioned what he had read, and he said "Oh yeah, I got my college money from grandma, time to go shooting!". This immediately triggered the light bulb in my head, putting 2 and 2 together it all finally made sense now. During his time at Devry, his tuition was rather expensive and he wasn't receiving much financial aid so his grandmother paid him about $1,000 a month to cover tuition, food, gas, etc. while he was going to school. Regardless of how much money she may have had, it was not right that he was taking this money and squandering it on things that he wasn't supposed to be doing, and not only doing that but also lying about his schooling situation to his mother and grandmother technically because I'm sure she wouldn't just let him keep taking that money if he's not doing anything with his life. It was at this moment that I realized my friend had a serious problem.



        After having this epiphany about my friend, my other friends Robert and Hans came to the same consensus about sitting him down, confronting him and holding an intervention for his destructive life choices. Yeah he wasn't doing drugs or alcohol, committing any felonies, etc. but his particular lifestyle was being self-destructive and damaging others around him, he used video games as a coping mechanism for whatever deep personal issues he had that he wouldn't tell us on top of the ones we could already establish as a factual problem in his life. So after having all of my friends come hang with us at his house one weekend while his mother was out, we sat down and held this "intervention" for him. This was poorly planned on my part, and I probably should have done better in hindsight, but we basically sat down and discussed our issues with him and let him know that we knew what he was up to with his grandmother's money. Here's where the part of the story gets interesting, because we all came to these conclusions based on speculation and not actual physical proof, yet he never once tried to defend himself or say that we were wrong. And if this were the case, and that he could provide proof and that we had misconceived the situation then the next dreadful events would not have happened, however this was not the case. He simply stood there, acknowledged the problems, tried to play it off cool and accepted our demands. We told him that he needed to seriously get signed up for school or look for a job within the next few months, plenty of time to do either one at the time since this was at the beginning of December, and registration didn't open until mid-January back home. Finding a job might have been a harder thing to do because employers back home had a reputation for not hiring unexperienced workers regardless of what level of entry, even McDonalds. Our community hiring standards were on a really ass-backwards standard where if you knew someone who was already hired at the establishment or knew someone who worked there previously they would hire you unless you were a complete disaster, but if you looked presentable and acted nice they'd hire you on the spot even if you were the world scummiest asshole afterwards. This is why we allowed him to sign up for classes at our local community college as a sign of trust and good faith because it doesn't take much effort to do so, making it an easy way out for him. About a month and a half goes by, registration is closed for schooling and he hadn't applied for a single course that semester OR the summer semester. I was absolutely furious, we wanted him to show us that he could do something for himself to turn his life around and he completely blew it. He wasn't actively seeking employment at stores around town either, this I knew for sure because I would spend a decent amount of time with him during the weeks following as well as my other friends to keep an eye on his progress. So myself, Hans and Robert met again to discuss his actions and decided to have a secondary intervention to tighten the grip on his situation. We all went for a drive and sat down in my friend Hans' car and had a heated discussion about his actions. He understood what he was doing, which I will get to later, so we knew we needed to be a lot more serious with him. We set down a rule to find a job in 2 weeks or less, he could not sign up for classes as an excuse because he already squandered that easy chance we gave him, and as the kicker if he didn't show us any results that we would tell his mother about his actions including lying about school and stealing his grandmother's money, our actions taken to try and help him, etc. The next day he texts me saying he signed up for 12 units at our community college, I was absolutely furious when he texted me this because we had specifically told him this was not a way out anymore, and he knew this but I had no idea why he did this at the time. After seeing this, I said a lot of things that while I don't think need to be apologized for given his next actions, were frankly pretty fucked up. After the two weeks were up, he had shown no signs of improvement, no determination, all he did was take a picture of the START of a McDonalds application and a door of a welding company that was "hiring" at the time, pretty lame ass "attempts" to actively seek employment right? And the whole point of this wasn't to actually see him get employed so he could do something with his life now, all we wanted to see was his desperate and determined attempt to try, we demanded proof of his applications because we wanted to see him actually try to fix his life and do something beneficial for once rather than leech off his family and perhaps society in the future. Regardless, he had failed to do this, so it was time to tell his mother about the situation. However, I never truly planned to tell his mother like a "tattle-tale", I wanted to approach his mother so that we could seek help for him because he really needed it. But before doing this, I decided to contact one of his only other friends outside of our circle(totaling to 2-ish lol), and what I received back from her was absolutely astonishing. Truly, have I never seen anyone so idiotic, blind and foolish as this girl. Apparently he had been telling not only her, but his other friend who was kind of the trio of that small circle they had, and perhaps his mother as well that we had been BULLYING him, TEASING him, RIDICULING him, she even had the balls to say that I was projecting my own personal problems and short-comings onto my own friend whom I tried so hard to help! Like she's some fucking all-knowing psychologist, and granted I do use a lot of psych terminology but I do not declare myself an expert in psychology in any way, I just tend to observe these things in that particular manner. She continued on her rant, exclaiming Biblical verses along the lines of "pulling the log out of your own eye before helping your brother" or some nonsense, I understood what the actual verse was trying to convey but her contextual implication could not be any more wrong. She hasn't been friends with him NEARLY as long as I had, she never saw him anymore than once a month whereas I would never see him less than once a week! How could she judge me and my shortcomings when she didn't know me OR him that well, yet I knew almost everything there is to know about my best friend? THE BETRAYAL!! He had gone behind our backs and spread nasty lies and made himself look like a victim when in truth we've been victims of his so called "friendship" for so many years! The AUDACITY he had to do such a thing, it is quite evil, slithering, snake-like! The irony of it all is the fact that I'm an atheist which I'm sure they disapprove of because they think I'm some "godless heathen" who has no morals, and he himself is raised in a very Christian household which is supposed to "uphold" a high moral and ethical standard for the community, and yet he preaches this sludgy, putrid slander about us, ALL TO PROTECT HIS PETTY MONEY AND COMFORTABLE WAY OF LIFE! Nearly 13 years of what used to be such a great friendship down the shitter over something so petty as that! After seeing this late at night, I felt sick to my stomach for some reason, I guess this came to such a shock to me that my body had a serious nervous reaction. I literally just sat on the toilet most of the night, called in sick from work the next morning and spent the day just figuring out what went wrong. I talked to my friends Robert and Hans about it, they were shocked too but didn't have much to say, I guess they didn't know what to say either. Considering they didn't know him as long as I did, I guess that's not too surprising, but for me it was completely devastating. Needless to say, to this day we haven't spoken to each other and it will stay that way until he sees what he's done. I don't know if I could ever forgive him for such treachery, but if he did sincerely apologize to me and tried to make amends I might consider it one day.



        Another aspect that I think really got to me was the fact that people who I actually cared for and respected such as his mother and grandmother, whom had done quite a bit for me in the past would never speak to me again because they thought I was some sort of fucking petty bully trying to hurt their son and grandson over who knows what the hell he may have used as a cover for saying these things. I guess it's also deriving from that fact that he had essentially bullied our friend Hans pretty aggressively at times is basically overlooked and that as soon as we're accused of "bullying" him all of a sudden we're these monsters that have issues. I even left out a lot about him bullying Hans earlier because I thought I might get a bit emotional writing it, but I think I'm okay to write this now so I will go ahead. When I first met Hans, he was kind of the punching bag of the group for jokes and stuff. We weren't harsh or intentionally mean enough to make him cry or anything because we're not cruel despite what some people may think about men. However, as the years went on, his aggressiveness towards Hans seemed to exponentially increase, eventually it just got to the point to where he would have this sort of disdain for Hans as if he was his mortal enemy at times. He even directed this attitude towards myself and Robert at times, but we're not quite as meek as Hans so we would shut him down rather quickly. However, he did have a get-around with myself because we shared an account on a game as I mentioned previously called Aion. When he first introduced it to me, I made a character on his account and I absolutely fell in love with it, so I made a few characters, 2 being max level with great gear and some lower leveled ones. Whenever he wouldn't get his way or he wanted to be right, or even just make me seem inferior he would essentially blackmail me by threatening to lock out the Aion account and all of my characters. I spent way too much time on that game to let that happen(likely in the thousands of hours!) so I would just play along so he wouldn't be an asshole. And you may ask "well what about now?" and the answer is that I put my friend's psychological, physiological and social well-being over some stupid game and artificial materialistic ownership. He did not return the same gesture sadly and locked me out of my account(but not before I took all my shit and put it on a free account!), but it's okay because I wasn't even worried about that when all of this happened, it was about helping my "friend" and any risk, especially something as low-key as that was definitely worth it. What wasn't worth it was all of the bullshit that happened towards the end, because effectively it tarnished my reputation with a group of people I actually liked and respected, people who have helped me in my life, people who I do owe a debt to unmeasurable in any sort of currency. It even affected me at my job because they were connected to my previous job's particular field of work. I used to work as a field surveyor/scout for a local PCA(pest control advisor) whom happened to know my friend's grandmother because he used to check her fields which she owned. I even drove by that house almost every day after our incident with S and it pained me to see it because we had a lot of good memories hanging out on her little farm. Anyways, getting back on track because of this incident I was seriously worried that they would say something to my boss who had known his grandmother for many years prior(it's also partially the reason why I got the job so that's part of why I'm greatly indebted to them). Thankfully I don't think they did, however it still affected my job performance because it was a catastrophic experience for me socially, and it just generally left me constantly dwelling on the incident until I eventually quit my job to pursue other ambitions. These days I'm much better off without all of this drama in my life, but I cannot help but come back, think and dwell on it because it was something that just emotionally affected me so much that it just won't ever go away. I didn't have a sexual affinity for my friend if you're thinking that after my last sentence, but we had a strong bond as friends because we did a lot of things together(like Jay and Silent Bob! =P), which is why I found it so hard to believe he could just burn the bridge, and flip me off with both middle fingers so easily.



        Thanks for reading this incredibly long journal entry, I hope that people can learn from my mistakes and I also hope that maybe one day things could change, however for the time being they're all still pretty fucked so I won't be worrying about them too much! I feel a lot better being able to publish this, even if no one reads it it's a good therapeutic tool to vent my frustration, anger and hatred towards S. I don't have much to say after this...so I guess that's all for now lol, thanks again for reading.
           Hello there, so this is my first journal entry in a series of journal entries I felt like I should publish online through DeviantArt. The series of topics I am going to discuss are more or less just an outlet for my thoughts, opinions and how I feel on certain matters amongst other things. If anything it's to be therapeutic for some of the things I want to say to people sometimes but I cannot in order to maintain professionalism and a relationship to others who may be offended by what I have to say. I believe that people should be able to discuss such topics as mature adults, however people also tend to be ignorant-minded, bigoted, egotistical and esoteric fools who think that they're always right because they never question what they don't understand or think they already understand. That being said, hypocritically speaking I'm not here to debate my philosophies, I'm just here to pour out information from my brain in a therapeutic manner. If I feel the need to discuss something with you on a particular subject or question, I may or may not, that is at my discretion. Well, now that's out of the way, I guess I'll dive right in.


        The first topic I wish to discuss today is a major fire-starter topic for a lot of people: Politics. World politics, local politics, whatever form of "politics" you discuss, there's always someone there to disagree with you and fight to the death until you agree with them. It's within human nature to not want to be wrong, misinformed or not believe that an opposing idea of a currently existing one that has been maintained for a lengthy period of time. I am guilty of it at times, you are all guilty of it too, it's there whether you like it or not, even in the most miniscule of ways. A good example I thought of to explain this is a song from a band I really like called Periphery. They have a song off their second full length album P2 named "Scarlet" which refers to ketchup, it even reflects in their music video. This song basically discusses the thought "why would you like mustard? ketchup is just so much better" or at least that's how I interpreted it, but that's all really a matter of perspective isn't it? Anyways, I grew up on ketchup, loved it a lot as a child. Then one day I just stopped using it with my french fries, hot dogs, whatever else I ate with it. I didn't hate it or dislike the taste, but I started to develop a taste for the bitter/sour taste of mustard, something I originally hated as a child and would gag at the smell of it. I started to use it on hotdogs mostly afterwards, but the fact remains that I started to enjoy something I originally hated because I lacked the comprehension of why it was something to enjoy. I think a lot of people in the world lack this sort of mentality because it's something outside of their observational "norm". What I mean is that when given information or receive information on their own, they don't question the integrity and the actuality of what is being portrayed. I guess an example of what I mean is when a kid grows up thinking Santa is real until the point to where they get to the age to question the thought of Santa's existence given the fact that he is nowhere to be found even if you stay up all night waiting for him and that he somehow manages to visit every house on Earth in one night. This same kind of thought process has been a big mechanism in the way I analyze and interpret the world be it as simple as why I like ketchup and mustard now, or why I am bi-partisan from a political standpoint.


        So why did I give you a long analogy of the way I process information and perceive the world? Because I believe in order to get a better understanding of the topics I am going to discuss, I think it's good to be able to pick my brain a little. I like to work on computers, understand how they work and what makes them tick because it helps give me a better understanding and so when I have an actual problem, be it software or hardware, I can then solve the problem better. The same concept can be applied to anything you do essentially, it may not be optimal in terms of getting straight to the point, but it gives you a deeper understanding in the long run.


        Jumping into politics is a tricky subject, especially when you don't have a basis to stand upon. I'm neither republican, nor a democrat, I'm not a libertarian, I belong to no single political faction. I believe that every party, faction, whatever you wish to call them all have their beneficial ideas and philosophies as well as their flaws. For example, republicans are big advocates for liberty in possession and use of fire-arms, something I completely agree on for a few reason. One being the fact that people need to be able to defend themselves, I'm not an expert on firearms but I do have a black belt in karate as well as extensive training in other styles, I know how to disable, disarm and kill a human being in a multitude of ways, and because of this I feel safe and secure whenever I enter an area that's not so safe. The same concept applies to fire-arms and their respective disciplines, when you train and understand the proper times to use a fire-arm and when it's not appropriate, how to hold one and operate one, then you begin to understand the advantages and privileges of owning one, be it a 9MM Glock or something as tactical and powerful as an M417 assault rifle. However, people who are not educated on the way fire-arms work, how they're distributed, etc. say we should get rid of all the guns in every state and that will solve the problem of all these mass shooting incidents that have come to light in the media recently. This is completely opposite of the solution, in fact it causes an even bigger problem, it leaves every citizen who is able to defend themselves defenseless against someone who has any sort of fire-arm at a medium to long range fire fight. Criminals don't care about the law and do what they want to get what they want, so why would they follow an anti-fire-arm law stating no citizen is to carry or store a firearm at any given time? That just makes the average citizen a fish in a barrel and the criminal a psychotic monster with a free pass for a murder spree. I could go on forever about this topic because it infuriates me how idiotic, ignorant and asinine people can actually conceive this being a possible solution to these problems, but that's why I believe discussing this like so is important. I understand the opposite perspective where if everyone has a gun people are more likely to get hurt statistically simply because of the fact that there are more guns in people's possession, and be it intentional or accidental there are bound to be more incidents. This is simply not the case, fire arms are of course dangerous creations but their design is built to protect the person wielding it, not harm them, this is why safeties exist, training courses exist, etc. Jumping back to a more social implementation on this issue, if you think that having more fire arms in the possession of house holds are a bad idea, think again. Ever heard of the term mutually assured destruction? If everyone has a fire arm, doesn't matter what kind, what's to stop them from killing each other? Lots of factors, for one if there are more people that have fire arms than not criminals are going to be a lot less likely to attempt to use one against you simply because they run the chance of risking their life a lot more than they would currently. Maybe it's not the most "peaceful" and "ideal" way of making things work in the world, but our world is incredibly flawed, people are flawed and we need a way of dealing with those instances. There will always be people out there who threaten your way of life, there will always be worldly events that affect you in your own home and you need a way to protect yourself. Fire arms are just one of many tools you can use to protect yourself, it's a tool to ensure your safety from those who would do you harm, not a primitive weapon for murder and chaos. Just because those who choose to use this tool like so doesn't mean the tool is to blame, it is the person using it. If someone stabbed you in the hand with a fork three times a year, would you petition Congress to outlaw forks simply because other people choose to use an eating utensil as a weapon? No, I don't think you would. The same concept applies, it's just more difficult to see because people die everyday from them, be it domestic or internationally they are used as a weapon against those who they wish to harm. Given the massive coverage of school shootings and their spiked increase in recent times, it's really easy to blame fire arms because it's just an object, but no one goes back and blames the parents, no one blames the students for picking on the person to the point to where they just go berserk and shoot up a school. They just blame the shooter and the gun they used to carry out the shooting. Just to clarify, I have no simpathy for those who go and do these things, I'm simply stating that people don't take responsibility, people don't pay attention to warning signs, people don't do anything to remedy what would end up causing this situation until it already happens, instead they let it go to a boiling point and then it becomes too late to repair what has been completely broken beyond repair. Anyways I'm getting off topic, my main point in all of this is that people want to get rid of fire arms but they don't understand that the affects of it simply make the problem worse, not better.


        Moving on, while I believe that republicans are correct in saying that less gun control would help arm citizens and keep criminal activity lower than it is currently, certain viewpoints on topics like abortion are where I have to disagree with your average republican, and in turn look towards the left, or democratic viewpoint in politics. While I don't believe in destroying human life, this all comes down to a matter of perspective on what is considered "human". When you drive your car on the freeway to work, out of town, whatever the occasion is, you hit and kill hundreds of insects with your vehicle and you don't even notice, unless of course there's that one really juicy fly that splatters all over the windshield! My point being is that we as humans destroy life on a daily basis, perhaps minutely basis if you consider what I said before, and yet we think nothing of it. But the second someone wants to destroy a biological organism grown inside the womb of another human being, all of a sudden it's murder. When you analyze what precisely happens during conception and birth, what is developing isn't something I'd consider "human", it's basically the blueprints or foundation of something that will become human. It's like if you built a house, started with the foundation of the house, you haven't put up any framework yet, and then someone comes by and says that you can't stop if you don't have enough money because it's an eyesore to the community. What about your individual rights? Sure, those people were there first in the community, but you purchased the land yourself and started to build a home but came across an issue and need to either halt production or start over from scratch. Should you be forced to go to the bank and sign for a loan you can't afford because your neighbors don't like the idea of an unfinished home? I think that's a load of shit. And the same applies with abortion, not only is it none of your peers' business what you do with your body, but they also have no business shoving their ideology down your throat(I'm speaking of religious fanatics of course). I believe there is a limitation to this of course, a sort of compromise between these two opposing viewpoints if you will. What I consider defines us as human beings, at least in a development aspect, is the brain. Once the brain starts to develop, the consciousness, or lack thereof during early stages of development starts, I believe that is the cut-off point for an appropriate time to have an abortion. Because that's when you truly are killing another human being, a conscious person who granted doesn't have any thought, personality, etc. but still retains a conscious state of mind. This is what I believe transforms us from just a biological organism to an intelligent, conscious being, and to destroy something like that at that point I believe is not morally correct. And you may be wondering "How can you compare insects to a human life? They don't equate in the slightest!" and the truth is that you're right, human life is indeed important to preserve, but as I said I believe that you aren't truly human until you've transitioned into the developmental stage where the brain starts to grow and take subconscious thought. Before then, simply put you are simply like bacteria, you are nothing but a mass of cells splitting to create a living organism in its most basic form. As strange(and probably depressing) as that sounds, if you've taken any sort of biology class that is essentially what we are when you break us down to our most basic form(outside of periodic elements of course!). Another thing to think about is that we are filled with bacteria and small organisms that do various things for our bodies, a very good interpretation of that can be found in the movie Osmosis Jones. The characters in that movie all represent something functional in our body that is a living organism, it may not have conscious thought and it may not be "alive" but it still has a function to be carried out in the system that is our body. The human sperm and egg are the same thing, and they simply start to multiply and create a larger organism that isn't entirely "alive" until the brain starts to develop. This is why I say that abortion should be acceptable to a certain developmental stage in the process. In terms of social and economic burden, I think the same rules apply basically even in cases like rape, incest and general unwanted pregnancy. In terms of rape, you know you've been sexually violated so checking for pregnancy before the first trimester(when the brain starts to develop) is probably something most if not all women do after experiencing such a traumatic experience. In terms of incest, honestly I think that the child shouldn't be allowed to live from a genetic standpoint simply because children from incest typically have genetic deformities, be they visible or not they're not something you want mixed into society's gene pool. I know that's pretty harsh but it's the truth, that being said their life should also be considered so I'm kind of on the fence really. However, unwanted pregnancy is completely different, unexpected pregnancies due to poor contraception or just dumb luck should follow the same rules, if it's past the first trimester I say they should be forced to have the child. My girlfriend and I are on top of our contraception and identifying pregnancy status, we don't want children and we intend to keep it that way until we are ready, so that being said if she was pregnant I wouldn't want us to raise a child until we were ready. However, if we were irresponsible and didn't frequently get her checked for pregnancy and didn't use contraceptives then that's on us right? Why should the person we created pay the ultimate price for our mistake? That's my philosophy, responsibility is something people do not have very much of a grasp on these days and because of it we have sent our society into a downward spiral. Unwanted pregnancies are not the root of this or even a major cause, but it's a great example as to why we keep hindering ourselves instead of doing the right and responsible thing. That being said, if it's before the first trimester, I think the decision should be made by the couple who conceived the child, if they want to keep it then good for them, but if not then I believe it's their choice to go through with the abortion. Well I've had enough dead baby talk, I guess I'll move onto some of my other thoughts.


    A major topic amongst the people and not really amongst politicians today is corruption. It's very apparent, it's staring us right in the face and yet we've let it go so far as to cripple our system into a deadlock. Because our branches of government at all levels has become so dangerously powerful, I think it's at this point that the people need to make a stand for themselves. I don't expect a full blown civil war, but I do think that some sort of forceful removal of office on all levels and in all branches is in order. Investigations into bribery, corruption and criminal activity in the government need to be executed by a third party. Having the American people accomplish this would be the first thing your mind would go to right? Same with mine, but then I thought why not another allied government? They can take our constitution, laws, practices, etc. and make judgements on those who currently hold office. Holding those who have taken money from our system and stuffed their pockets, those who have taken money from companies of any size for any reason, those who neglect the people they're supposed to represent and aid according to their needs, they can stand trial and be judged for what they've done. Many will be innocent, but a lot more will be guilty, and from there we can continue to try and provide a corrupt-free government so that we do not repeat our previous mistakes. Implementing anti-corruption laws isn't where it stops though, I believe to truly beat corruption we need incentives to not be corrupt. An example I thought of was simply this, if you are a politician holding office and you receive a bribe or are being blackmailed by anyone for any reason, with valid proof the federal government will step in and offer the equivalent amount, perhaps more and then prosecute the third party attempting such an act. It's just a thought, it's not perfect and I'm sure will have some sort of flaw or loop hole, but I'm not a legislator, the point is that the idea needs to be present and we need to work around something like this. And this can be at any level, local, state or federal government positions. If someone offers you $250 million to speak on their behalf in the house, the federal government should be able to pursue them for bribery and then receive a settlement against those corporations so that 1. the federal government prevents a form of corruption and 2. the federal government can receive income from instances such as these, making it beneficial to more than just the party being bribed or blackmailed.


    Speaking of the different levels of government, we seem to have forgotten that there is a hierarchy system in our government where the lowest form is local and the highest level is federal. We have created laws that contradict many laws above our own, for example the legalization of marijuana. I'm not against people smoking, I simply don't think it should be legalized based on the current arguments that most people make about it. It is bad for you, yes it's not as bad as a cigarette but you are still inhaling the chemically changed compounds of what used to be a plant, that's not exactly great for your lungs. Yeah it doesn't have nicotine, but it does have THC, a a hallucinogen that does have adverse side effects after continual use over many years just as cigarettes, alcohol or anything else consumed in excess essentially. Most people who smoke don't need it for medicinal purposes, they want it for recreational purposes, they want to use it to be more "creative" or use it as a social tool to meet with people like we already do with alcohol. That's what I hate about the social aspects and views that come with marijuana users, I don't care about the substance itself, I care about how it's used and why people think they need it. But that brings me to the bigger point, if people cannot adhere by something like this on a local and state level, then the federal government has to step in, and they have numerous times. What is the point in this futility? People focus so much on trying to legalize some low-level drug that they like to use to get high and have fun that they lose focus on other aspects. Marijuana is not life, it shouldn't consume your life and if it does then you're a horrible human being. The same can be said with anything though, this is not an attack on marijuana, this is an attack on human stupidity, reinforced habitual behaviors and neglectfulness of important issues. Yes it's illegal, but honestly the war on drugs, at least marijuana is mostly over, the most you get for possession charges of the stuff is a slap on the wrist, some fines, etc. unless of course you have a whole pound of it, then they're going to tack on everything they can! But in all seriousness, people need to stop fighting for their "right" to smoke a joint, it's asinine and a complete waste of time when we could be focusing on more important issues, like how we can solve this drought issue currently in California for example. Currently there is a drought, there has been a shortage of water in general since 2006 when they shut down a bunch of these pipelines filled with this almost-microscopic fish that is an endangered species of the billions of types of fish that have ever existed. Seriously, you make it so hard for farmers to water their crops over a fucking fish? Give me a break, but moving on, issues like this are incredibly important to our way of survival and yet people are just generally lost or uninterested, and it will probably continue to be that way until it gets so extreme that people realize they might actually die if they don't do something right then and there about it. These are the kinds of issues we should be focusing on every level of government, not how much weed you can carry on your person and whether it should be legal or not, because by the time you figure it out there won't be enough water to grow the damn plants!! These petty things are what bring me to my next and final point that I'd like to make about how America looks from the world's perspective today versus it's conception in the 1700s.


    As Americans, we are proud people, and everyone else in the world thinks we all have a couple of M16s in our arms and a fat cigar while standing on top of a hill with the American flag and some explosions in the background. They also think we're all fat, lazy assholes who can't get their shit together in the world, and they're right. Looking at America, we are not even a shadow of our former self, looking back at the battles for our independence we fought to the death to be free and to live our own way of life. We still do this in our own way, but our way of life has changed a lot for the worse and it is not something we should be fighting to keep, but something we should be fighting to change. Unemployment has been better in recent years, but there's still plenty of people on welfare, disability and food stamps who are a burden to our society. I'm not talking about people who legitimately need these services because they can't work or do anything with their life, I'm talking about the leeches who abuse the system that's designed to keep people from dying in the streets, feed them, house them and maintain a fairly healthy life. I know people and have seen plenty of people who live in such a way that is just socially repulsing, they have 6 children and they're all incredibly obese, possibly diabetic because they just buy a box of Twinkies or donuts for dinner thanks to EBT cards being accepted at multiple stores, including some liquor stores now. This is INSANE. Someone on welfare does NOT need to be buying a stockpile of junk food, let alone ALCOHOL. I'd be more sympathetic if it were a case where they were just on disability and can't get work because something on their body doesn't work anymore, but you can't just selectively choose who can buy alcohol and who can't, there's just too much red tape for that. In that aspect, I'd feel for the person wanting to buy something like that but I still say that it shouldn't be allowed, it's not a vital necessity like food and water or shelter, alcohol is a drink for special occasions and celebration, something you're not going to be doing a lot of all the time on disability or welfare. Seeing this a lot as I've grown up, it sickens me to think my money goes to these people who buy things like this with government-funded programs to help those in need. We pay taxes for services to help others and to help ourselves, but this is just the opposite and it needs to stop. Recently people have been talking about forcing drug tests onto welfare collectors, which I think is a step in the right direction but not the right thing to be doing necessarily to remedy the problem. It will definitely weed out a small portion of welfare collectors, but it won't help cut back on the majority that abuse the system. That's why I believe we need case workers, much like parole officers, to do check-ups on these people and see where they're spending this money as well as looking at their lifestyles to identify any major issues so that we can address them and remedy the situation rather than just leave the system how it is. It doesn't burden the system nearly as much as people like to think, but it's one less issue scratched out on the list to optimize our government and our country's productivity. Plus if you think about the concept of having social workers for welfare fraud, you put people to work for a good cause so I would rather pay taxes for a government worker to ensure that my tax money is being used properly as opposed to letting some 300 pound mother with 6 kids who all eat McDonalds for every meal use my tax money to live such a disgustingly unhealthy and unethical lifestyle. And think about how this affects the world's view on us, not even 95% of America is like this, but these people along with corrupt politicians amongst other things create a very bad image as well as set a bad example. Relatively we are a newer nation that's only formed within the last few hundred years, yet we have succeeded in being one of the top nations if not the highest in the world. Looking at us now though, our future is slowly dwindling because we face so many issues that just keep getting worse that it will eventually just collapse and swallow the country whole, or worse and erupt into another civil war that will ultimately destroy our country beyond repair. How can we be Team America: World Police if we cannot even get our shit together here in our own homeland? It's like a drunk guy lecturing his neighbor across the street about doing some weed, how can we help clean up everyone else's act when we ourselves aren't sober to begin with? That's what's starting to happen and it's only going to get worse unless some major changes start immediately.


    Well I guess that's all I'm going to write for now, at least in terms of politics. If you managed to read all of that, good for you, I wish I could give you a cookie but a device to transform bytes of data into a cookie has yet to be developed, so you will just get a smiley face. Thanks again for reading, I probably won't respond to questions or debates but I don't mind seeing comments on what people think. If you have a different opinion and a logical perspective to attribute to that opinion by all means voice it, that's why I wrote this! I'm tired of seeing the black and white nonsense that is the republican and democratic party, but there's a massive gray area between and around them in terms of political viewpoints so it's good to keep an open mind and think about these subjects from these many view points.
Photo Retouch Experiment by ZenShredder
Photo Retouch Experiment
So I found this picture somewhere on the net, 99% sure it was here on DA actually but I have too many people that I follow to go sifting through who's photo this is. Regardless, I took the original and used a technique I found in an online tutorial using the mixer brush to blend surrounding pixel information to get rid of bad pixelation from digital cameras with a lot of digital noise. You can't tell too much in the picture itself because I did a bunch of other stuff to it, but had I not used the mixer brush tool to blend the character's pixel information it would not look quite as good as it does now. I'm quite pleased with my work. Obviously the original photo is not mine, and if it is indeed yours(and you can provide proof of this) please let me know, I'd like to give credit to the actual photographer of this figurine.
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        Hello again, so today's topic is something that has basically been eating away at me for about a year and a half now. It's something I don't think on a daily basis anymore, but it's a recurring thought because of the lack of closure that I received from the experience. Today's subject isn't such a "fire-starter" like my previous post about politics, today I'm going to share an experience with you about the destruction of friendship I had with someone since I was quite young. This particular experience is as I said something that lacked closure and has generally left a bad taste in my mouth figuratively speaking, it is something that has caused me deep emotional conflict, anger, hatred, regret, and of course sorrow. Despite the fact that there was almost no way for me to change the outcome of what would happen in retrospect, I can't help but feel I could have tried different methods to resolve the problem without causing such social and emotional conflict. I guess I should get right to the story, it is quite a long one so grab some popcorn. The friend which I'm referring to will not be named due to obvious reasons of anonymity and such, however I will refer to him by his first initial "S" to avoid confusion throughout the process of writing this.



        A quick background info, S and I had been friends since around the 5th grade, he was a kid who lived in the neighborhood but went to a private Christian school partially due to the community being extremely conservative and the fact that his mother, who was single, was a fairly fundamental Christian woman. Because of this, amongst other things such as his personality in general, he was picked on by kids our age when we were younger. I was in the same vote so to speak but with a different group of kids since I went to public school, but I related to his interests and his disdain for those who would cause us harm, so we became friends very quickly. Over the years we spent lots of time playing video games at his house and my house with other friends, usually mine because he didn't have too many. Jumping all the way up to around 2010, the year I graduated high school, he's already in college because he's 2 years older than I am yet he really doesn't have a lot of friends, so I'm mostly still hanging out with him on the weekends while I go out with my other friends on the weekdays. After meeting some friends at BC, he decides to introduce them to me, which sets of a chain reaction of meeting like-minded individuals thus creating a new circle of friends which consisted mainly of myself, S, a guy named Hans and another guy named Robert, there were/are still others but they are not a part of this story. After forming this group, we would frequently gather on the weekends to play games such as Super Smash Bros., engulf pizzas, chug sodas, and talk about the most ridiculous and insane topics we could think of. That was our weekly routine, it never really changed much, however that doesn't mean that "we" changed, and by we I mean our personalities. As I've grown, I've seem to become a bit more mature and responsible for myself in most aspects of my life, while S was still stuck in the fantasy world of the youthful-minded. Hans was closer to the mentality of S while Robert was more closer to my own, so we had a sort of "split" psychosocial spectrum, but that doesn't mean we didn't act like complete idiots and have fun. However it seemed that he did not pick up that around his age was when he should be looking to clean himself up, obtain more responsibility for himself so he can support himself and those he cares about like myself. This isn't where the problems began, but it is certainly a moment of revelation that something was seriously wrong with my friend, his personality and lifestyle choices.



        Staying around 2010, this is where I start to observe a negative change in behavior from my friend. At the time I thought nothing of it, so all of these observations are in retrospect prior to a particular event which will be discussed later. From this point on, I noticed a slowly but surely increase in aggressive behavior, alpha-male complex, an extremely bloated ego which would deflate rather quickly given by most forms of egotistical opposition or the introduction of anyone new he had not met before. This behavior would affect my daily life, our friend Hans' and Robert's at times as well. His aggressiveness would not only belittle Hans regardless whether we were in public or private, it would become not only annoying but almost worry-some at times because his character reflected upon us as well given the fact that we were with him in public, and this was not only embarrassing at times but really just generally disrespectful to those around us. He wasn't directly disrespectful to those around us in public, but his demeanor and his attitude would often have some sort of contextual carry-over to the people around us in some indirect manner. It's kind of hard to explain considering it's been a while since I've actually been around him so I can't give a much better explanation than that, so bear with me. His alpha-male complex was probably one of the most unbearable things I could endure whilst being friends with this man, because he ALWAYS had to win, if he didn't win at Super Smash Bros almost every round he would get super pissed and pick characters we ruled as off-limits, be a cheap asshole and generally have poor sportsmanship or be a sore loser over any single loss. Granted, we all had the same frustration but only if we would just constantly lose at whatever we were playing, which is an understandable and acceptable attitude to have when you're trying to accomplish a goal, however to S beating everyone all the time was more than just a goal, it was a ego reinforcement tool which he used to make himself feel better about himself, a sort of sense of self-accomplishment and self-validation if you will. In retrospect, it's actually quite sad, but at the time it was still insanely frustrating and unnerving to deal with because he basically took the fun out of the room for many of the nights we would all hang out together. I think my explanation about his complex doesn't merit an explanation for why he has such a bloated ego, however why it's so easy to dissipate is actually quite intriguing. He grew up without a father in his life, so his mother has had to assume the role of both mother and father in his household. At this point, this is all pure speculation and theoretical understanding as to why he acts the way he acts, but I believe that this whole sort of self-validation through this alpha-male complex is a form of re-masculating himself because he may feel that his mother has and still emasculates him at home, and perhaps that or something worse has actually happened in his home, I don't know this, but what I get from his behaviors is precisely what I just stated.



        Moving on, after observing this for quite some time up until late 2012 to early 2013, my friends and I got fed up with his attitude and his ego, we started to chat about it online and eventually all came to the same consensus. However, we had no way of dealing with it really other than to not hang out with him, which probably would have ultimately been the wiser decision in the long run, but we didn't want to just abandon our friend so we decided to put up with him for a while longer. A little while before deciding this, a particular event that was suggested by myself which was meant to help S would end up triggering the events that led up to our current situation to this day. At the time, S had quit our local community college for numerous reasons, all which were valid because it's a shitty school that is riddled with corruption and politics(just like our government! =P) so I had no reason to object to such an idea. However, the school which he decided to study at just left me dreading: Devry University, the world's most useless paper-mill school(I'm referring to the fact that you literally just show up for class and they print you a piece of paper saying you completed it without learning anything whatsoever). He wanted to study game design and art just like myself, however he was going there to study graphic design to get a hold on working digitally like myself, we didn't have the luxury of having a decent digital art community back home because it's mostly an agriculture and oil gold-mine. At this time, I was going to our community college because I was smart enough to do everything for myself there, get all of my finances from federal grant money and not have to deal with anyone but the professors there, so I recommended that he quit Devry and go back to our community college so that he could actually learn how to do some half-decent work there. I even offered to help him pick out his classes, work with him on projects since I knew what the professors would be looking for, etc. etc. So he agreed and dropped Devry, however that's literally all he did, he just dropped out of school and didn't bother applying to the other school. After learning about this, it really pissed me off because I was trying to help him get on track and he just decides to quit and stay at home all day. That's not where the problems end though, that's only the beginning! He stayed at home for months, all he would do is sit around and play on one of his many game consoles he owned or played Aion, a game which we both played at the time. And after these months of just sitting at home, apparently he had been telling his mother that he was in fact going to school, feeding her lies and bypassing any suspicion with quick-witted remarks or generally playing stupid. At one point, she had asked me straight to my face whether or not he was actually going to school, I lied to her and said yes and I have no idea why I did, perhaps I just didn't want my friend to be kicked to the curb. Whatever the case, it was a decision I sorely regret, because from then on he expected me to cover for him whenever his mom would ask him these questions. As time passed, I began to question his lifestyle choices, particularly how he was able to afford such things as going to a gun range frequently and even bring myself, Hans and Robert along with him and have us all shoot an entire box of ammo for each person. We didn't think about it too much in the past because it was just something fun for us to go do to let off some steam, however when things started to get seriously bad between all of us and S, we eventually started pondering to ourselves how we could afford this, video games, eating out constantly, etc. So one day I'm hanging out with him, and out of the blue he gets all excited over some email he got. I questioned what he had read, and he said "Oh yeah, I got my college money from grandma, time to go shooting!". This immediately triggered the light bulb in my head, putting 2 and 2 together it all finally made sense now. During his time at Devry, his tuition was rather expensive and he wasn't receiving much financial aid so his grandmother paid him about $1,000 a month to cover tuition, food, gas, etc. while he was going to school. Regardless of how much money she may have had, it was not right that he was taking this money and squandering it on things that he wasn't supposed to be doing, and not only doing that but also lying about his schooling situation to his mother and grandmother technically because I'm sure she wouldn't just let him keep taking that money if he's not doing anything with his life. It was at this moment that I realized my friend had a serious problem.



        After having this epiphany about my friend, my other friends Robert and Hans came to the same consensus about sitting him down, confronting him and holding an intervention for his destructive life choices. Yeah he wasn't doing drugs or alcohol, committing any felonies, etc. but his particular lifestyle was being self-destructive and damaging others around him, he used video games as a coping mechanism for whatever deep personal issues he had that he wouldn't tell us on top of the ones we could already establish as a factual problem in his life. So after having all of my friends come hang with us at his house one weekend while his mother was out, we sat down and held this "intervention" for him. This was poorly planned on my part, and I probably should have done better in hindsight, but we basically sat down and discussed our issues with him and let him know that we knew what he was up to with his grandmother's money. Here's where the part of the story gets interesting, because we all came to these conclusions based on speculation and not actual physical proof, yet he never once tried to defend himself or say that we were wrong. And if this were the case, and that he could provide proof and that we had misconceived the situation then the next dreadful events would not have happened, however this was not the case. He simply stood there, acknowledged the problems, tried to play it off cool and accepted our demands. We told him that he needed to seriously get signed up for school or look for a job within the next few months, plenty of time to do either one at the time since this was at the beginning of December, and registration didn't open until mid-January back home. Finding a job might have been a harder thing to do because employers back home had a reputation for not hiring unexperienced workers regardless of what level of entry, even McDonalds. Our community hiring standards were on a really ass-backwards standard where if you knew someone who was already hired at the establishment or knew someone who worked there previously they would hire you unless you were a complete disaster, but if you looked presentable and acted nice they'd hire you on the spot even if you were the world scummiest asshole afterwards. This is why we allowed him to sign up for classes at our local community college as a sign of trust and good faith because it doesn't take much effort to do so, making it an easy way out for him. About a month and a half goes by, registration is closed for schooling and he hadn't applied for a single course that semester OR the summer semester. I was absolutely furious, we wanted him to show us that he could do something for himself to turn his life around and he completely blew it. He wasn't actively seeking employment at stores around town either, this I knew for sure because I would spend a decent amount of time with him during the weeks following as well as my other friends to keep an eye on his progress. So myself, Hans and Robert met again to discuss his actions and decided to have a secondary intervention to tighten the grip on his situation. We all went for a drive and sat down in my friend Hans' car and had a heated discussion about his actions. He understood what he was doing, which I will get to later, so we knew we needed to be a lot more serious with him. We set down a rule to find a job in 2 weeks or less, he could not sign up for classes as an excuse because he already squandered that easy chance we gave him, and as the kicker if he didn't show us any results that we would tell his mother about his actions including lying about school and stealing his grandmother's money, our actions taken to try and help him, etc. The next day he texts me saying he signed up for 12 units at our community college, I was absolutely furious when he texted me this because we had specifically told him this was not a way out anymore, and he knew this but I had no idea why he did this at the time. After seeing this, I said a lot of things that while I don't think need to be apologized for given his next actions, were frankly pretty fucked up. After the two weeks were up, he had shown no signs of improvement, no determination, all he did was take a picture of the START of a McDonalds application and a door of a welding company that was "hiring" at the time, pretty lame ass "attempts" to actively seek employment right? And the whole point of this wasn't to actually see him get employed so he could do something with his life now, all we wanted to see was his desperate and determined attempt to try, we demanded proof of his applications because we wanted to see him actually try to fix his life and do something beneficial for once rather than leech off his family and perhaps society in the future. Regardless, he had failed to do this, so it was time to tell his mother about the situation. However, I never truly planned to tell his mother like a "tattle-tale", I wanted to approach his mother so that we could seek help for him because he really needed it. But before doing this, I decided to contact one of his only other friends outside of our circle(totaling to 2-ish lol), and what I received back from her was absolutely astonishing. Truly, have I never seen anyone so idiotic, blind and foolish as this girl. Apparently he had been telling not only her, but his other friend who was kind of the trio of that small circle they had, and perhaps his mother as well that we had been BULLYING him, TEASING him, RIDICULING him, she even had the balls to say that I was projecting my own personal problems and short-comings onto my own friend whom I tried so hard to help! Like she's some fucking all-knowing psychologist, and granted I do use a lot of psych terminology but I do not declare myself an expert in psychology in any way, I just tend to observe these things in that particular manner. She continued on her rant, exclaiming Biblical verses along the lines of "pulling the log out of your own eye before helping your brother" or some nonsense, I understood what the actual verse was trying to convey but her contextual implication could not be any more wrong. She hasn't been friends with him NEARLY as long as I had, she never saw him anymore than once a month whereas I would never see him less than once a week! How could she judge me and my shortcomings when she didn't know me OR him that well, yet I knew almost everything there is to know about my best friend? THE BETRAYAL!! He had gone behind our backs and spread nasty lies and made himself look like a victim when in truth we've been victims of his so called "friendship" for so many years! The AUDACITY he had to do such a thing, it is quite evil, slithering, snake-like! The irony of it all is the fact that I'm an atheist which I'm sure they disapprove of because they think I'm some "godless heathen" who has no morals, and he himself is raised in a very Christian household which is supposed to "uphold" a high moral and ethical standard for the community, and yet he preaches this sludgy, putrid slander about us, ALL TO PROTECT HIS PETTY MONEY AND COMFORTABLE WAY OF LIFE! Nearly 13 years of what used to be such a great friendship down the shitter over something so petty as that! After seeing this late at night, I felt sick to my stomach for some reason, I guess this came to such a shock to me that my body had a serious nervous reaction. I literally just sat on the toilet most of the night, called in sick from work the next morning and spent the day just figuring out what went wrong. I talked to my friends Robert and Hans about it, they were shocked too but didn't have much to say, I guess they didn't know what to say either. Considering they didn't know him as long as I did, I guess that's not too surprising, but for me it was completely devastating. Needless to say, to this day we haven't spoken to each other and it will stay that way until he sees what he's done. I don't know if I could ever forgive him for such treachery, but if he did sincerely apologize to me and tried to make amends I might consider it one day.



        Another aspect that I think really got to me was the fact that people who I actually cared for and respected such as his mother and grandmother, whom had done quite a bit for me in the past would never speak to me again because they thought I was some sort of fucking petty bully trying to hurt their son and grandson over who knows what the hell he may have used as a cover for saying these things. I guess it's also deriving from that fact that he had essentially bullied our friend Hans pretty aggressively at times is basically overlooked and that as soon as we're accused of "bullying" him all of a sudden we're these monsters that have issues. I even left out a lot about him bullying Hans earlier because I thought I might get a bit emotional writing it, but I think I'm okay to write this now so I will go ahead. When I first met Hans, he was kind of the punching bag of the group for jokes and stuff. We weren't harsh or intentionally mean enough to make him cry or anything because we're not cruel despite what some people may think about men. However, as the years went on, his aggressiveness towards Hans seemed to exponentially increase, eventually it just got to the point to where he would have this sort of disdain for Hans as if he was his mortal enemy at times. He even directed this attitude towards myself and Robert at times, but we're not quite as meek as Hans so we would shut him down rather quickly. However, he did have a get-around with myself because we shared an account on a game as I mentioned previously called Aion. When he first introduced it to me, I made a character on his account and I absolutely fell in love with it, so I made a few characters, 2 being max level with great gear and some lower leveled ones. Whenever he wouldn't get his way or he wanted to be right, or even just make me seem inferior he would essentially blackmail me by threatening to lock out the Aion account and all of my characters. I spent way too much time on that game to let that happen(likely in the thousands of hours!) so I would just play along so he wouldn't be an asshole. And you may ask "well what about now?" and the answer is that I put my friend's psychological, physiological and social well-being over some stupid game and artificial materialistic ownership. He did not return the same gesture sadly and locked me out of my account(but not before I took all my shit and put it on a free account!), but it's okay because I wasn't even worried about that when all of this happened, it was about helping my "friend" and any risk, especially something as low-key as that was definitely worth it. What wasn't worth it was all of the bullshit that happened towards the end, because effectively it tarnished my reputation with a group of people I actually liked and respected, people who have helped me in my life, people who I do owe a debt to unmeasurable in any sort of currency. It even affected me at my job because they were connected to my previous job's particular field of work. I used to work as a field surveyor/scout for a local PCA(pest control advisor) whom happened to know my friend's grandmother because he used to check her fields which she owned. I even drove by that house almost every day after our incident with S and it pained me to see it because we had a lot of good memories hanging out on her little farm. Anyways, getting back on track because of this incident I was seriously worried that they would say something to my boss who had known his grandmother for many years prior(it's also partially the reason why I got the job so that's part of why I'm greatly indebted to them). Thankfully I don't think they did, however it still affected my job performance because it was a catastrophic experience for me socially, and it just generally left me constantly dwelling on the incident until I eventually quit my job to pursue other ambitions. These days I'm much better off without all of this drama in my life, but I cannot help but come back, think and dwell on it because it was something that just emotionally affected me so much that it just won't ever go away. I didn't have a sexual affinity for my friend if you're thinking that after my last sentence, but we had a strong bond as friends because we did a lot of things together(like Jay and Silent Bob! =P), which is why I found it so hard to believe he could just burn the bridge, and flip me off with both middle fingers so easily.



        Thanks for reading this incredibly long journal entry, I hope that people can learn from my mistakes and I also hope that maybe one day things could change, however for the time being they're all still pretty fucked so I won't be worrying about them too much! I feel a lot better being able to publish this, even if no one reads it it's a good therapeutic tool to vent my frustration, anger and hatred towards S. I don't have much to say after this...so I guess that's all for now lol, thanks again for reading.

deviantID

ZenShredder
Evan
Artist | Student | Digital Art
United States
Hello, my name is Evan and I'm an amateur artist. I want to be a concept artist as a profession however I'm far from obtaining that goal. I was studying graphic design for a while just to get myself used to working in a digital medium so that's why you won't find any paintings or drawings yet, just graphics and photography mostly. I'm not at a comfortable level to submit most of my drawing/painting stuff so most of my work will be graphic design for now, but as time goes on I'll post some stuff. Anyways, hope you enjoy, leave some comments/constructive criticism if you have something to say =)
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:iconpatrickfinch:
PatrickFinch Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch!
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:iconzenshredder:
ZenShredder Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014  Student Digital Artist
You're quite welcome! I enjoy pin-ups very much, I try to make my own in fact but end up scrapping them since I'm still at an intermediate level in art. I thoroughly enjoy your Cortana piece, very nicely done =)
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:icongraphicdream:
GraphicDream Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the watch :)
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:iconzenshredder:
ZenShredder Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Student Digital Artist
You're welcome! I'm incredibly surprised you do most/all of your work in Illustrator, that requires a lot of patience! lol
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:iconnewsha-ghasemi:
Newsha-Ghasemi Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch love!
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:iconzenshredder:
ZenShredder Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thanks! I'm a beginner digital painter so just watching someone like you can help me learn a lot, plus your art is very awesome =D
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:iconnewsha-ghasemi:
Newsha-Ghasemi Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I'll try to help anyway i can!! <3
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:iconzenshredder:
ZenShredder Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thanks! Any help/critiques are appreciated =)
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:iconnewsha-ghasemi:
Newsha-Ghasemi Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch love!
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